I am human, I am not going to lie, the last week and a half I've been eating anything and everything I wanted before going into this diet. And the thing I noticed the most was it was appeasing for a moment - but - that moment was so fleeting when I finished eating whatever junk food I was eating at the time. In fact my body felt worse and I was lethargic and sort of regretted eating what I did!
I know my mind is going to take time to catch up to my body - and the food addictive mind (as some of you know) is the most convincing liar you have ever met. It's just pushing for that one hit of sugar or carbs or whatever you crave. And, when you are addicted to sugar, you tailspin faster and faster until you eat yourself sick or dead.
And you know what? The reality is it does NOT make you feel better later on - it makes you feel guilty, it makes you feel mad at yourself, it makes you feel disgusted, it makes you feel fat and it carries on the cycle of depression and anxiety (not to mention how bad it is if you are a diabetic!) I just share this to tell you that it's really not worth it for a few minutes of "happiness" or "comfort".
Yes I have goals I want to attain on this journey. But, honestly, I just want to feel myself again. I was explaining to my mom how I was the happiest kiddo and was kind and gentle and had to talk to everyone! (Well, no changes there!) But I felt free - I was free of others opinions, I was free of negative mature emotion, I was free to be ME. I was literally just Emmy. As I aged, and after my parent's divorce, that freedom became less. By the time I was in high school, I tried to be everything that everyone else wanted me to be. I had many parental figures in my life and at that age it's difficult to figure out who you are if you have so many people putting input on who they think you should be. Simply put, I lost myself. I'm sure many of you feel have felt that way on your journey at one point or another.
Losing myself went on for a really long time - honestly until last year (so like 39 years?) I spent a good part of my adult life not really understanding or accepting of who I was. When I turned 40, I was finally free! Something clicked in my head and my heart and I just didn't care about what everyone else thought of me. I had this sense of who I was and wanted to be, it was sort of incredible actually! I figured out if you don't like the way I look or dress, then just don't look at me. It's pretty simple. If you like how I look - look away! Lol! :-) But all of that power I gave to other people to tell me who I am - I took that power back when I turned 40. I have things I want to do and damn it - you are done telling me why I can't do it! I don't need that in my life anymore.
I attribute A LOT of my ability to become me again to all of the work I put in with my dear therapist. I have been seeing her for almost 6 years now and we have worked through a TON of trauma and things that I didn't even realize were causing problems. The reasons for my past addiction are no longer reasons thanks to her. We have used several techniques including EMDR, CBT and relaxation and meridian points to ease anxiety. To be able to sit here and tell you that and tell you how confident I am in myself and my sobriety (10 years sober this past January 2025). There is always a fear when you have major surgery and have to take medication to help you through the recovery pain - if that medication is going to trigger you. Well, thank you to my therapist and I guess to myself - I've worked through the emotional pain that triggered my addiction. I have coping mechanisms and I have resources - and of course the most important part of anyone's sobriety - I have support (family, friends, etc.). Not everyone is lucky enough to retain their support systems. I will be thankful the rest of my life that my support systems didn't abandon me but embraced me and held me and reassured me. They literally saved my life.
But I say all of that to just say - life is WAY too short on this earth to put your energy into worry and doubt and fear. Embrace your loved ones, hug your friends and be with them, adopt pets that need good homes, volunteer at a charity in town, go to the grocery store and ask someone who is struggling if you can help them - walk with them, hear their story. Donate some meals at a restaurant that they can give to someone who is without. Invite your neighbors over. Talk to strangers wherever you go (I mean, cautiously and with common sense) - they may need you at that moment to just listen. You don't lose anything by doing something kind for another.
We only get one trip on earth and I wasted SO much of my life on worry and on anxiety and on despair. I would much rather waste time on love, hope and the brightest of futures.
Save your money and build that house, or go on the trip, or have kiddos or move to that place you want to be. Be present. Stop looking back because you aren't going that way. Look forward towards the sun, embrace everything you are (and maybe get a good tan doing it!)
My challenge to you is to do something nice for someone else for no other reason then you can. Let me know what happens.
Until next time, sending my love and best wishes to you -
Emilee
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